


it's not warm (when she's away)

by nonbinarywithaknife (littleboxes)



Series: me sobbing about critical role [5]
Category: Critical Role (Web Series)
Genre: Aftermath of Violence, Angst, Angst and Feels, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Bruises, Drowning, Exhaustion, F/M, Flowers, Gen, Gossip, Grief/Mourning, Heavy Angst, I Made Myself Cry, Implied/Referenced Torture, Nightmares, Starvation, Trauma, Wakes & Funerals, bad familial relationships
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-02-04
Updated: 2019-02-04
Packaged: 2019-10-22 12:22:52
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,529
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17662568
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/littleboxes/pseuds/nonbinarywithaknife
Summary: Yeza’s not there when they find her. He and Luke are passed out for several days in the aftermath. He’s barely conscious in a bed with the doctor muttering beside him, staring at his son (his Luke, only five years old, so smart, blue eyes that are so haunted, now) when the guard comes in three days later, a somber look on his face and bad news on his lips.





	it's not warm (when she's away)

**Author's Note:**

> guys. they thought she was dead for a year. a YEAR.  
> -title is from "Ain't No Sunshine" by bill withers

They find her body in the river. After running and running and running so far past the point of exhaustion, arms numb from clutching Luke’s frail body against his chest, after he nearly collapses in front of the first Crownsguard he sees, they find her body in the river. Yeza’s not there when they do. He and Luke are passed out for several days in the aftermath.

He’s barely conscious in a bed with the doctor muttering beside him, staring at his son (his Luke, only five years old, so smart, blue eyes that are so _haunted_ , now) when the guard comes in three days later, a somber look on his face and bad news on his lips. And when he tells him the news, (that she’d not only been drowned, but her body was covered in claw marks and slashes, and, _unfortunately, Mr Brenatto it appears she was tortured_ ) he turns to the floor and vomits.

A week later, they are deemed well enough to care for themselves, and are allowed to go home. Luke is still so, so small. Yeza himself feels woozy if he tries to carry too many jars upstairs at the same time, and shortens the daylight hours of the apothecary. (He thinks about closing it, about bringing Luke back to his parents' house so they’d both have more time to grieve, but he remembers the looks on their faces when he told them he and Veth were getting married.

Remembers the quickly- but not quick enough- smothered surprise and dismay, the looks that read, _really?_ That read, _but you could do so much better_ , and knows they wouldn’t understand)

(Besides, he and Veth started this Apothecary together, and he knows that she wouldn’t want him to give it up. If she were here, she’d smack him on the back of the head just for thinking like that, but it still hurts _so much_ )

And then, it’s time for her funeral. Her parents send money, and a note full of excuses as to why they can’t attend, _unfortunately, but we are so very sorry, Yeza, and hope this gift helps somewhat_. That note helps him feel the strongest emotion that isn’t despair for the first time in days- anger. Oh, he’d always known that Veth’s family wasn’t the best, but _this? Their daughter_ (his _wife_ ) _is dead_ (because of him, because he couldn’t run fast enough-) and they couldn’t be bothered to travel _a few days_ in the chill?!

(He still feels it seeping into his bones) to see her off?! He throws the note into the fireplace, and gives the gold to the doctor. He will pay for her funeral with money from the shop they’d created together, not from a heartless family that thought some flimsy metal could replace their presence, love.

He doesn’t invite anyone. He’s too aware how the town views Veth, views their marriage. He always heard the whispers when they went out together- _“You know he’s only with her out of pity” “He’ll break up with her soon enough” “I can’t believe he married_ **_her_ ** _” “He was such a good boy, he can do so much better.”_

Instead, he buys her a simple casket, made out of oak wood, just like the tree that stood over the river, that they’d sneak out together to lay underneath. And he fills it with flowers. Daisies, and roses, and tulips, and pansies, and not a single one of them matches her beauty, even in death.

Looking at her corpse isn’t easy. He sees the claw marks lining her arms and throat, and forces himself to impress them on his mind. _If I’d been faster, Luke would still have his mother_ , he thinks. _If I’d been faster my family would be whole again_ , he thinks, and stares.

She’s wearing a bright blue sundress. Her hair is neatly braided. On her hand is her wedding ring. The guards had found it resting on the bottom of the river. (still a little wonky, the flowers he’d burned around the length of it warped by the water damage, but still whole) (whole like he never would be again)

He runs his hands gently across her face and cries. She’s so still. Veth was never still. Her braids were always messy, halfway falling out. Her hands were always fidgeting- she’d flip a button over and over when she was nervous, or twist her ring over and over. He’d occasionally get sidetracked, staring at her hands. They were tan, her fingernails bit to the quick. On her ring finger, her wedding ring.

(He still wishes he was rich enough to buy her a proper one, she deserves it, she deserves the _world._ ) Little freckles dusted over her knuckles, a match to the ones that spread across her face, that twisted when she smiled. (her smiles were so bright and big and full of teeth, so full of _personality_ it was blinding.)

He buries her in the south, far away from the forest and the river. He’d wavered on that. They’d met by that river, unsettlingly close to where she was found. They’d spent sunny and snowy days alike together on the edge of that river, getting to know each other, to love each other. Would that not be a more fitting place?

But, he is selfish. He can’t look in the shimmering surface anymore without seeing her bruised neck, blue lips, mouth parted in a scream. Couldn’t bear to travel to their place, that had seemed so full of light and laughter and love, that was tainted with the chill of death. So he buries her in the south, in a small graveyard, in a corner full of flowers.

Sometimes, Luke asks if they can go and see her. The question wraps itself around Yeza’s throat until he can’t breathe, the knowledge that Luke’s mother is only flowers and a gravestone, now (that as he grows the memories will fade-he’s only five years old!-, until it’s only senses and sounds, not the vibrant woman Yeza knew- _had known_ ) choking him, until he nods, with tears in his eyes.

Luke doesn’t bring flowers to her grave. (She has enough of those, from Yeza) He writes letters, instead. ( _“He’s such a smart boy, Yeza! A genius, just like his father!”_ ) Yeza doesn’t ask to read them, and Luke doesn’t show them to him.

 _“Mama, I miss you. I’m sorry I got so hungry and we had to run away from the_ ~~_goblens_~~ _goblins. I sometimes go through your button collection, and I’ve decided that the square red one is my favorite. I miss you._

_Love, Luke”_

 _“Mama, I miss you. Daddy says that I can go to school again, if I feel up to it. I kind of don’t want to_ _(It’s not fair that the other kids get have Mama’s and I don’t it’s not fair)_ _cause I know they’re all_ ~~ _gunna_~~ _gonna ask questions, but it gets sad in the house sometimes. It seems so empty without you. I really like the green flower-shaped button today. Daddy says it’s “seafoam green”. Did you ever see foam? I miss you._

_Love, Luke”_

 _“Mama, I miss you. Today was a “bad day” (that’s what Daddy called it). When I was sleeping I dreamed that you got eaten by the goblins and when I woke up I was crying and Daddy came running into my room and we layed in my bed and cried together for a while. And then Daddy closed the Apothecary and we stayed at home all day and Daddy told me how one time he used some ribbons to tie your braids all pretty and I said I think I want braids too and he said okay and I really miss you Mama_ ~~_please come back it’s sad without you_~~ _anyways I love you._

_Love, Luke”_

Months later, and their world has slowly, slowly started to turn upright again. Yeza still sometimes has to close the Apothecary and lay in bed, clutching a coin, or a ribbon in his hands and cry, and Luke still wakes up from nightmares calling for his Mama, and is still so quick to finish his plate at dinner, but- things are better. Yeza ties the ribbons into his son’s hair when he asks, and Luke clings to the shirts that still hang in Yeza’s (just Yeza’s) closet, but things are better.

And then he gets the package. Unwrapped, but tied tightly, brought to him by an harried courier. No letter, but- there are buttons and ribbons, and little trinkets that make him think of Luke, and tears are filling his eyes, and he tries to think of a person cruel enough to do this. He knows how others thought of his and Veth’s marriage, but this?

And then a quiet, curious voice breaks him out of his thoughts, and Luke is standing in the doorway, a ribbon in his hand. “Daddy? Who sent that? What’s wrong?”

And Yeza sets the package on the table, and wraps Luke up in his arms and says, “Just- someone, Lu, don’t worry about it.”

And things still aren’t good, but. But they are better.

**Author's Note:**

> -i cried when i wrote this  
> \- their wedding rings are hand carved by yeza, with matching floral designs. he used acid to burn them on, so it's not super precise. veth would sometimes stare at it and trace the patterns when she got melancholy, or down on herself, and it would help. to remember that she had someone in her life who valued her.  
> \- veth and nott have the same smile. she used to get teased for being so toothy, and so she tried to train herself to smile with her lips. yeza loves her smile, and makes his best effort to make her smile all the time(it doesn't take much usually. her hand always rises to cover her mouth, when she does, but he grabs it and holds it and tells her how much he loves her smile, and they both blush because they are both awkward dorks)


End file.
